25 Ways You Know You’re an Adult Now (Sorry)
It’s so weird, I was 21, minding my own business, and then poof! All of a sudden, I was an adult. I don’t know how it happened. There’s some major conspiracy going on, I can feel it. Because really, all adults feel like 18 year olds just faking it until they make it. Or maybe not all, but I don’t want to meet the people that have it figured out. They’re grown ups. It's so weird, I was 21, minding my own business, and then poof! All of a sudden, I was an adult. Click To Tweet
But for those of you that are wondering, here are all the ways that you know you’re finally becoming an adult. Really, all adults feel like 18 year olds just faking it until they make it. Click To Tweet
- You like staying in. Now granted, I’ve always been a homebody. But in the past, there were times when I actually wanted to go out more than I wanted to stay in. Those days are gone. Being in a bar is soooo much work now! Why would I shove around a bunch of people when I have perfectly good wine at home that I can drink in my pajamas? Why would I shove around a bunch of people when I have perfectly good wine at home that I can drink in my pajamas? Click To Tweet
- Everyone you know is having babies on purpose. Remember when we tried with all our might to avoid that? And a call from a friend saying, “I’m pregnant” meant something, well, completely different. Now, all my friends are trying to have families. . And while this hasn’t been my route yet (or possibly won’t ever be) it still feels weird when I hear the words, “We’re trying” or “Steve wants to have another kid.” Like, what? More than one? What are they, potato chips?
- You have bills. Real bills. Wasn’t it fun to get out of college and buy your first car? Ahhh, this one is all mine. My name is on the. . . well, not the title yet, that’s the bank’s. But it’s on the loan papers! Yeah. Then it’s a credit card. Or five. And a cable bill. And an electric bill. And a gas bill. Here comes a mortgage. I was even recently contemplating a pool guy. Only adults have to deal with that shit.
- You have a five year plan. And a 10 year plan. And a 401k. And know exactly how much you need to save for retirement. I mean, seriously, your life is planned out.
- You’re getting married. Or engaged. Or you are married. Myself, I put this one off for much longer than my gal pals, but there’s nothing like planning a wedding and having to think about things like catering and seating charts to make you feel like an adult.
- You get excited to buy a new vacuum cleaner. You get it home. Oh my god, it works so well! Look how awesome it is on the laminate flooring! This is the best day ever!!!
- You are selective about your alcohol. Gone are the days of Franzia and Natural Light. Wine has to come in a bottle. As a matter of fact, you know that wine in a bottle from a region near your house is great because it has less sulphites which means less headache in the morning. And the beer is darker. Much darker. Like, color of night dark.
- Money is the root of all your problems. And then one day, it isn’t so much. You start being able to breathe and relax a little. If you’re lucky, you go on ski weekends with your friends. That’s if you don’t have kids. I think when you have kids you spend it all on them ;).
- Your friend list shrinks. Like, waaaay shrinks. There’s no time for the bullshit anymore. You need people around you who are supportive, who you support, who don’t make you feel good about yourself and who you genuinely admire and feel great lifting them up. Although really, the bullshit never ends. There are always people out there who aren’t going to treat you well. But you learn very quickly to cut them out. There are always people out there who aren't going to treat you well. But you learn very quickly to cut them out. Click To Tweet
- You know your credit score. Down to the digit. You track it. You have Credit Karma so that you can look at it carefully every month. And you know exactly what to do to raise it and what it needs to be to get that good interest rate.
- You spend money on good stuff. Whatever that means to you. For me, it means a more expensive pair of jeans because they fit so much better than the $20 ones. For you, maybe it’s a pair of diamond earrings. Or a Diptyque candle. But whatever it is, you should treat yourself occasionally.
- You reminisce. High school problems don’t look so bad now, eh? Personally, I have a recurring nightmare about being sent back to high school or college because I didn’t complete one of my credits. But man, was that a f*cking good time.
- People start asking you questions about your future at family gatherings. When are you getting married? When are you having kids? What are you doing with your life? I’m gonna go hide in a closet with that box of wine now.
- You have done your own taxes. Or if you’re lucky, hired an accountant. Does anyone really know what they’re doing? It’s so damn confusing. I have a college degree and am pretty smart, but oh my god, make it less complicated already..
- Your social life dwindles. It is currently Friday night. At 7:36. I am writing this and not out at a bar. You know what? I’m okay with that. I need to clean tomorrow and I do actually have some plans, but my schedule is not jam packed like it was 5 or 10 years ago. And that is a-okay.
- Your doctors are multiplying. And they’re loooooosin’ contro-ole. But seriously, I have been to so many different specialists in the last 10 years it’s not even funny. And it’s going to keep getting worse because, you guessed it, I’m an adult and not getting any younger.
- You buy a new car. Not a new used car. A brand-spankin’-new car that only you have owned. You will know every ding, every stain on the upholstery, where every little noise came from. Except that one knocking sound. I have no idea on that one.
- You stop wanting to take naps. Because it will mess up your sleep cycle. Unless you’re my husband, who can nap at will and be just fine. Ugh. He’s fired. You stop wanting to take naps. Because it will mess up your sleep cycle. Unless you're my husband, who can nap at will and be just fine. Ugh. He's fired. Click To Tweet
- No job will ever pay enough. So you get out of school, and you start working at a relatively low wage (and depending on your education level, this is higher or lower). You live frugally for a while. Then your wage goes up. And up. And up. But guess what? You learn to live at that higher level and everything costs more. Remember that line from, like, every movie or TV show about divorce, “I expect to be supported at the level to which I have become accustomed.” Yep. See? That’s what that means.
- Your chores never end. Like, never. The laundry pile seems to multiply the moment the hamper is empty. Dirty dishes are always there. I’ve mentioned this before, but at least 1/3 of my life is spent vacuuming. And then there’s yard work. Oh, who am I kidding, my yard is a disaster. But. . . you even start to like some of these things. They’re meditative and you get used to it. Say it enough times and it will be true.
- You are willing to (and do) spend a lot of money on cheese. Or raw cashews to make vegan cheese. And willing to shop at Whole Foods, because, yeah, it’s better for me and I don’t live on Doritos and Diet Coke anymore. Well, half of that is true. You are willing to (and do) spend a lot of money on cheese. Click To Tweet
- You empathize with the parents in movies from your childhood. Like, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Ferris is kind of a dick. Or Footloose. Yes, it’s ridiculous that those kids can’t dance. . . but the kids are also degenerate assholes, sooo. . .
- You stop wanting to be an adult and start wanting to go back to being a kid. Ahhh, remember when there were no responsibilities? Good times.
- What to have for dinner is a daily discussion and struggle. I’m not a meal planner, so this. Is. Every. Night. But the good news is you can have whatever you want. So cookies for breakfast it is.
- You have no more f*cks to give. Zero. You’re clean out. But you know what? That’s awesome. You have no more f*cks to give. Zero. You're clean out. But you know what? That's awesome. Click To Tweet
Welcome to the adult ‘hood, yo. Now let’s go to Whole Foods and get some good wine. Or oooh, oooh, Trader Joe’s! It’ll be off the chain! That’s still a thing, right?
Yep, I’m 80.